Sunday, June 13, 2010

Cheese, or the Lack Thereof

OK, I've been told I'd better blog or you'll all think I'm dead. I'm not dead, but I'm definitely living in an alternative universe. One in which I am not allowed to eat anything dairy, wheat, spicy, salty, or sugary. No eggs. No fiber. Also no raw vegetables, no fruits or vegetables with skins and/or seeds. "What's left?" you ask. My question, exactly.

Well, I can have cantaloupe, bananas, avocados, soft-cooked vegetables, and white rice. I can have chicken breast, turkey breast, and fish--if grilled. A little salad, if it's bibb or Boston lettuce. No coffee, tea (except herbal,) or cocoa. I could create a brave new world in my kitchen and design some sort of diet without all those things. (OK, I'm lying. I tried. I can't.)

SO...I'm searching for alternatives. I've found a vegan mayonaise that I haven't tasted yet. Nix on the white rice bread (dry and crumbly) after I almost choked on a piece of it the other day. It had almond butter (the consistency of epoxy) on it. Crumbs held together with glue. Yum.

I miss cheese the most. I read an article in which Nia Vardolous (of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding") says she lost weight when she "broke up with cheese." If hers was a breakup, well--mine's a divorce. With all the grief and lamentation that entails. Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful to the companies who have spent so much time and money developing alternatives to cheese that supposedly taste like cheese and "melt great!" But I gotta tell ya, the stuff that claims to be soy cheddar just leaves me scratching my head. On what planet does cheddar cheese taste like that? Wherever it is, Scotty please don't beam me up.

So far I've added almond milk, soy creamer, a rice crispy cereal with a touch of cocoa, almond butter, and the aforementioned cheese alternatives (for which I am grateful, really I am) to my arsenal of foods designed to keep me from throwing myself in a vat of enchiladas. I can also have vegetables that steam in the bag. Some of them can actually be steamed to the prerequisite softness in said bag. But sometimes cooking them longer just makes the bag blow up. I'm about ready to bring the hose in for use on the microwave.

So you see? All is well here. I'm still alive, still trying to whack the Whack-a-Mole, and still bemused. C'mon down. I'll make you a quesadilla with some yummy soy cheese. (You're drooling, aren't you? I thought so.)

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