Police Shoot Fire Chief...

I knew the recession was loosening its grip when I saw the paper last Friday. I saw it in the headlines. They didn't say "Recession Over;" in fact, they said "Police Shoot Fire Chief after Ticketing" and "Part of Man's Finger Bitten Off at Health Rally." But I knew. I knew things were getting better, because I haven't seen any headlines that tickled my twisted sense of humor in a long time. The papers have been too busy telling us the sky is falling to pay any attention to these weird little stories.

In the first story, the Fire Chief for the town of Jericho,Arkansas, went to court to complain that he'd received two speeding tickets the same day in the speed trap outside of town. It seems this town has 174 residents, no businesses left, and 7 police officers who prey on residents (and, I suppose, unsuspecting strangers.) After the Fire Chief complained to the judge, the police shot him. Right there in the courtroom. He was hit in the hip, is going to be OK, and because he lives in this screwball good ol' boy bad-movie-plot southern town, no one is being charged. Doncha love it?

The second story involves a 65-year-old man who swears he was just driving by about 100 people rallying in favor of health care reform in Thousand Oaks, California. He joined the people on the counter-protest side of the street (just curious, he says). Then those awful people from the other side of the street rushed over, threw punches, and bit off the tip of his left pinky. Doncha think maybe he left out just a wee little bit of the story? Good thing it wasn't his index finger; he wouldn't have been able to do the Scout salute while saying "That's what happened, officer, Scout's honor!"

Tonight, this little headline validated my tremendous powers of observation: "Worst recession since 1930s appears over" It seems the Federal Reserve surveyed businesses and found economic activity stabilizing or improving in most regions.

However, it won't last unless we SPEND MORE MONEY. (Wait, didn't they tell us that when we were sliding into the Pit of Recession and Despair?) It seems our recovery is dependent on new car sales, now that "Cash for Clunkers" (which they deemed a success) is over. Then the report talked about the high unemployment rate, which is expected to keep climbing.

I suspect we the unemployed will not be buying new cars any time soon. So, it's up to the rest of you. Been wanting a new car? Think of it: that great new car smell AND saving the economy. Get something you want AND be a hero! It's so seductive I don't know how anyone can resist.

While you're doing that, I'll do my part. I'll keep scanning the newspapers for these odd little stories. As long as they keep popping up, I think we're doing OK.